Let's talk about something a little serious on the blog today okay?
Let's talk about a little something that I hate.
Hate with a passion.
Hate with every ounce of my being.
Cancer.
While in school I had a clinical rotation in our local cancer center.
It was then that I got a real taste for the nasty disease. I saw patients coming in day after day for treatments. I saw patients crying due to new diagnoses. I saw the look in patient's eyes as they where told that the treatments where not helping. I held patient's hands while they walked into their first radiation appointment. And while all of this made me incredibly sad the magnitude of it didn't sink it until I experienced it first hand.
You may all remember me talking about loosing my grandfather to his metastatic lung cancer in February 2011. A day that I won't ever forget.
Broke my heart.
Spending time with grandpa in his last days taught me a lot about cancer. The time really brought out the hate that I have for cancer. My grandfather was 78 at the time, in super heath {cancer aside} and was a very active man.The doctors had said that he was a super candidate for chemo and radiation, that he could probably recover again and go about life as he had been. Those words filled my {selfish} heart with joy. I was super comforted knowing that I'd have my grandfather around for my graduation and wedding and years to come. The thought of him being around to hold my babies left me overjoyed and relieved.
My grandfather however knew the nasty sides of cancer and decided that he didn't want chemo and radiation. The doctors told him that without treatment he had about 6-9 months to live. This saddened my heart greatly but I was glad that I had the time to spend with him. Two days later my grandfather passed.
At first I was angry at him for giving up. I need more time with him. I wanted more time with him. I wanted to visit him on graduation day. I wanted him to be at our wedding. I wanted him to hold my babies. I needed him here. Through time, prayer and healing I learned that expecting him to suffer through cancer was extremely selfish of me. It wasn't fair of me to ask my grandfather to go through suffering, pain and discomfort because I wanted him here. Not fair at all.
I'm alright with his choice now. In fact I'm proud of his bravery and courage. I think that part of him was thinking of his family. He didn't want us to have to see him suffer, to remember him in pain and hard times. While I remember those last days like they where yesterday there are so many more good memories that come to find. I will forever be grateful for the times I had with him.
Working as a nurse I see cancer almost on a daily basis.
I'm heart hurts for these patients. I know what is to come. I know the choices they will be faced with. I know the pain that their family are feeling. I know that what lies ahead of them. And I know that it sucks. Really, truly sucks.
I had a patient the other day admitted with melanoma-but currently in remission. He was in his 40's and had two children. He was admitted due to vision changes and was having some tests done to see if the cancer had come back & spread to his brain. My mind was in a different place that day as I worried about the results of the test. My heart was breaking for him and his family as he paced back and forth in his hospital room. All morning long he paced and asked if I knew the results each time I stopped in. Around noon the doctor called and told me that the patient could leave and to tell him that his tests showed no signs of brain cancer. I walked in the room shaking and tears welled up in my eyes as I told him that his tests looked wonderful and there was not one sign of brain involvement. The look of relief poured across his face and his wife and daughter cried with joy. After a few minutes of silence he opened up to me and said something that I will forever remember:
"Ya know, I never wished for much in life. I never need a fancy car, a big house or a full bank account. I simply wished to be happy. I wished for a wife that would love me through the good and the bad. I wished for children that would learn from the mistakes they where bound to make. I wished to have a life that I loved living. This cancer has really put a damper on that all. Some days I wake up and I hate this life. I hate living with cancer. I know that I don't have much time left and that's really hard to face each and every morning when I wake up. It's hard to look into my wife, children's, family eyes and tell them that I love them every night when in the back of my mind I'm wondering if it will be the last time I'm able to tell them my feelings. Every ounce of this is hard. Some days it's unbearable. I just wish that people would see that life is beautiful. It's short when you honestly sit down and think about it. People are constantly rushing around trying to find happiness when it's right in front of your face. It's a fresh cup of coffee in the morning. Seeing your baby walk for the first time. Hearing the laugh of a loved one. Fresh flowers on the table. It's those things that people need to focus on. Not the size of your house. The amount of money in the bank or how fast your car goes. It's the simple, beautiful things you pass right by each and everyday. Those are God's gift. You just have to stop and take them in. You have to be willing to stop searching & let happiness come to you"
I walked out of this patient's room and burst out into tears. The words hit home and they hit home hard. I've said it before but it's becoming more and more true as time passes.
Enjoy the small things in life.
Take the time to let joy & happiness find you.
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